Even though I was Licensed as Local Pastor in the United Methodist church and was serving as the Youth Pastor, I still attended mass to feed my spirit so that I could continue my quest to become ordained and serve in the ministry. During the year I served as Youth Pastor at Lawrence United Methodist Church, I performed my mother's funeral, held two other funerals for two different youth members of the church (one committed suicide and one died tragically in a motorcycle accident). God seemed to have me at the right place at the right time. I also during that time had the pleasure of performing a wedding of one of my high school classmates. So here I was, a Roman Catholic, serving as Licensed Local Pastor in the UMC, learning by doing on how to perform the functions of a minister (sermons, funerals, weddings). I also realized whether I was ordained in the UMC or the Roman Catholic Church, all of these functions I would still perform. I was still learning and growing. Trying to discern my calling – and my ministry. But the weight of my mother's death, the subsequent difficulties my father found himself in, I needed to get away and sort things out. And yet, there was one other thing that was confounding my faith. That would come next.
The next thing I knew I was on a plane to Dallas for an interview for the Youth Director position at Custer Road UMC. After a world-wind tour of Dallas and Plano by Rev. Donna Whitehead, the Associate Pastor at Plano UMC, I met with the Senior Pastor, the Parish/Parish Staff Relations Committee and some of the Youth. Then Sunday morning I was on a plane back home. Three days after returning to Indy, I received a call from Rev. Whitehead. I was offered the Youth Director position at Custer Road UMC. In my discernment of my ministry, I thought there was never such a thing as too much experience, and I needed to get away. I needed to serve in a church in which I didn't grow up or know everyone since I was a kid. I needed to serve where I was truly looked at as a n adult and full staff member of the Church. And I needed time away from home to sort out my mom's death.
So the following weekend, I packed up, turned in my resignation, and lock, stock and barrel, headed to my new job as Youth Director of Custer Road UMC. My college degree was one class from being complete (I had taken an incomplete so I would not have to pay for the class again because of my mother's death).
I started serving as the Youth Director and things were going well from a job standpoint. But now I had another item to add to the bailiwick of discerning my ministry – realizing my sexual orientation. This was very difficult for me. I literally went to the church sanctuary (since I had a key as the Youth Director) one Saturday night after drinking a bit too much around 2am, went to the altar, and cried for what seemed like an hour. How could God do this too me? I felt like Job. God dangles the carrot of youth ministry in front of me, then, scoops up my support system out from under me (my mother), then shows me there is more that one way to worship him (Roman Catholic vs. Protestant), and finally, makes me gay! How could He do this? What did I ever do to deserve being gay? What church would ever employee a gay youth minister?
After several weeks of this struggle, my performance at work was affected. The Senior Pastor noticed I was distracted and had a complaint about me not sending off a recommendation for one of the youth members for college. That was the straw that broke the camel's back.
I was let go from my position, packed up all my stuff in the middle of the night and by the next day was back home in Indy. I decided that secular work maybe was better for me than ministry. Let's face it – God gave me gifts and talents working with youth and growing a church, but the Roman Catholic Church would not even consider me for the ministry as a priest if I came out and said I was gay. The Methodist Church was more open, but not serving as a youth minister clearly. I decided that secular work was for me. My career as an Information Technology Business Consultant began.
I arrived back I didn't attend any church for a while. I focused on getting settled, finding a job and building a new career in a different direction. I didn't have time to finish school. I had to support myself as my father after my mother died, came out that he had an affair with an 18 year old starting my junior year in high school and she had now moved in with him. Living with my dad just wasn't it for me. So I built a career as best I could. I also realized that for the first time, I was on my own – alone.
In August of 1991, I met the love of my life. Brian came into my life and my whole world seemed to change overnight. His family welcomed me with open arms like one of their own. I met Brian August 10, 1991. My father died November 22, 1991, while I was waiting for him at a restaurant (he said he would buy me dinner for my birthday). So, another funeral, but this time I had support – I had Brian. And he was wonderful. I don't think he will ever realize how much he meant to me during that time. But even though I still felt like Job, at least God gave me a support system again. And over the next several years, Brian and I built a life together. It wasn't perfect. I was still new to being gay, and during my realization of being gay in Texas, didn't do some very “ministerial” things. I had a lot to learn about life, love and sharing my life with someone.
Brian was a member of All Saints Episcopal Church. That was a wonderful experience. Much like when I arrived at St. Paul's for the first time, All Saints, even though protestant, had much of the catholic liturgy. In fact, All Saints performed high mass since the Cathedra (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Cathedra) was situated in the sanctuary. At All Saints I began to see how I could still be called to ministry and be gay. In fact two of the priests at All Saints were gay and about ½ of the congregation (avg 200 in attendance any given Sunday) was gay or lesbian. So I began attending at All Saints.
I continued my secular career which seemed to continue to succeed very well. Though I still had not finished my degree, I received lots of training. Technical, Managerial and Project Management. I ended up working, after about 12 years with Brian, at IBM as a Project Manager.
Look for the next Part... Part V of A Brief History of my discernment sometime next week....
Peace,
jeff
